JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[uufta]

3 Quick Blonde Jokes

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.Upon leaving, she tells her sister,"If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly." Hint: come for da bull



A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde rob a bank.
In the ensuing police chase, they decide to hide in an old barn.
The barn gets surrounded by cops. A cop comes in to search.
Thinking quickly, all three bank robbers hide in separate gunny sacks.

The cop gives the first gunny sack a kick.

The red-head responds with a faint "meow".

The cop radios the others that its just a sack of kittens.

He sees the next sack and gives it a little kick.

The brunette responds with a faint "arf, arf".

The cop radios the others and tells them that its just a sack of puppies.

He sees the final sack and gives it a gentle kick.

The blonde responds with a faint "potatoes, potatoes"....



A highway patrolman saw a car speeding along on the highway.

Glancing at the car, he was astonished to see a blonde behind the wheel, knitting.

The Trooper cranked down his window and yelled:
“PULL OVER!”

“NO,” yelled the blonde, “SCARF!”

[uufta]

Blue Necks

Blue Necks are northern Honkies -- the opposite of Rednecks. Since there are Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves):

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF...

....Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.

...You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road eg., boiled peanuts).

...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.

...You don't know what a moon pie is.

...You've never had an RC Cola.

...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.

...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

...You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

...You have no idea what a polecat is.

...You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.

...You don't have bangs.

...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

...You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."

...You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.

...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.

...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

...You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

...The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on- ramp to the highway.

...You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

...You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.

...You call binoculars opera glasses.

...You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).

...You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie).

...You don't have Maw-maw's &Paw-paw's.

...You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

[uufta]

A Short Poem

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

[drfsupercenter]

Sorry if this offends any of you Aussies, but I cracked up hysterically when I read this (it's from a chatroom quotes database):

< _kr4m3r > so many )^&ing criminals, its bull#$^@
< foniks` > heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
< foniks` > and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
< foniks` > whatd u think they'd say?
< FoSZoR[bg] > something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"

[Abuilder]

"G`Day mate"

ROFLMAO

Wait till blutach sees this one.

[Kabuchan]

I know they have been overdone, but...

Things You'll Never Catch A Redneck Saying:

* I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
* Duct tape won't fix that.
* Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
* Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
* We don't keep firearms in this house.
* Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
* You can't feed that to the dog.
* I thought Graceland was tacky.
* Wrestling's fake.
* Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
* We're vegetarians.
* Do you think my gut is too big?
* I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
* Honey, we don't need another dog.
* Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
* Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
* Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
* Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
* I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
* Checkmate.
* She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
* Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
* I don't have a favorite college team.
* Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
* Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
* Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

[Kabuchan]

Redneck 911 Call

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up from there?" .

[soup]

Next time somebody tells you to take a long walk off a short pier, be friendly & invite them along.

[PurpleDemon]

Strange Thoughts to Ponder:



Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?

Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is
transported by car?

Does peanut butter really have butter in it?

Do mimes watch silent movies?

Is the fear of flying groundless?

What would you use to dilute water?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you
treat them?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

[uufta]

A couple returns from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replies the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nods gently and says, "I don't know if I can get over it, though. She gave me $20 change!"

[uufta]

Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

[blutach]

Good ones

Regards

[uufta]

>Here's to all the Minnesotans-----we will survive!
>
>
>
>
>60 above zero:
>Floridians turn on the heat.
>People in Minnesota plant gardens.
>
>50 above zero:
>Californians shiver uncontrollably.
>People in Duluth sunbathe.
>
>40 above zero:
>Italian & English cars won't start.
>People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.
>
>32 above zero:
>Distilled water freezes.
>The water in Bemidji gets thicker.
>
>20 above zero:
>Floridians don coats, thermal
>underwear, gloves, wool hats.
>People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
>
>15 above zero:
>New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
>People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
>
>Zero:
>People in Miami all die.
>Minnesotans close the windows.
>
>10 below zero:
>Californians fly away to Mexico
>People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
>
>25 below zero:
>Hollywood disintegrates.
>The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
>
>40 below zero:
>Washington DC runs out of hot air.
>People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.
>
>100 below zero:
>Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
>Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.
>
>460 below zero:
>ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
>People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"
>
>500 below zero:
>Hell freezes over.
>Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

[Gary D]

@uufta:

[uufta]

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"