JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[PurpleDemon]

Potato Predicament

An old man lived alone in Arkansas. He wanted to spade his potato garden,
but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried
the GUNS!"
Love, Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers
showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. They
apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love, Bubba

[uufta]

ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are interesting. Twenty-five percent of women think their ass is too fat, and 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The other 65% say they don't care—they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

[drfsupercenter]

Top 10 Signs that You`ve Overdosed on The World Wide Web

Your opening line is: "So, what`s your homepage address?"
You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn`t Do Anything" again and again and again.
Your dog has his own webpage.
So does your hamster.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

[PurpleDemon]

@ drf talk about close to home.

[Aegmorgil]

EMPLOYEE RULES FOR 2007




Dress Code:

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore, you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore, you do not need a pay rise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are
able to come to work.

Holiday Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open
and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[uufta]

BIG FEET
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true. The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman is curious, so she spends the night with him. When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. "I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before." "Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"

[Experi-Mentor]

A little girl walks into the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper and asks "Where does poo come from?"

The father looks at her wondering why she is asking such difficult questions. He thinks for a minute and says "Well, you know how we just ate breakfast."

"Yes" she answers.

"Well, the food goes into our tummies, our bodies take out all the good stuff and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet. And that is what is called poo."

The little girl looks shocked and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before asking "Well in that case, where does Tigger come from then? "

[Experi-Mentor]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do hard physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
_______________________________

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You work in SHORT SPURTS and fall asleep after EACH brief work period.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. You dont always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.

9. You are unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

[Experi-Mentor]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when 2 people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling".

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called "Bunk Beds". And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

[uufta]

FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS
A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

[Warrior]

funny thread

[Aegmorgil]

The 5 Best Things to Say if Caught Sleeping at Your Desk:


5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might
happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they
raved about in the time management course
you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout.
You probably got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these
keyboards when you put your ear down real
close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get
caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus'
name, Amen."

[Aegmorgil]

They're Back! - Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services:
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
> >>> The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
> >>>recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
> >>>those
> >>>things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
> >>>a
> >>>conflict.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
> >>>someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
>much
> >>>about you.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Miss Charlene Maso n sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
> >>>obvious pleasure to the congregation.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
> >>>nursery
> >>>downstairs.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir.
> >>> They need all the help they can get.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
> >>>will
> >>>sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
> >>>church.
> >>>So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday eveni ng in the church hall.
> >>>Music
> >>>will follow.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
> >>>Hell?"
> >>>Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
> >>>several
> >>>new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
> >>>recycled.
> >>>Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
> >>>person
> >>>you want remembered.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The church will host an ev ening of fine dining, super entertainment,
> >>>and
> >>>gracious hostility.
> >>> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
> >>>may be
> >>>seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
> >>>from
> >>>the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> >>> ------------- -------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
> >>>are
> >>>invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
> >>>would
> >>>lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
> >>>the
> >>>back door.
> >>> ---------------------------------------------------------- ----------
> >>> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
> >>>Church
> >>>basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
> >>>tragedy.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
> >>>Please
> >>>use large double door at the side entrance.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
> >>>slogan
> >>>last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

[Aegmorgil]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No boobs
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[Kabuchan]

True Internet Addiction

You Are Maliciously Internet Addicted When:

1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.

2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...

9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

13. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

14. When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

15. Your pet has its own home page.

16. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

17. You can't call your grandmother..... she doesn't have a modem.

18. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

19. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

20. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

21. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

22. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

23. You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

24. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

25. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

26. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

27. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

28. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

29. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

30. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Mommy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

31. Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.

32. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

33. Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

34. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

35. You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

36. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

37. You forget what year it is.

38. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

39. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

40. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.