JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[Kabuchan]

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

[KHyuga]

lol some great jokes in here.
Keep them coming!

[Aegmorgil]

Can you cry under water?
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
________________________________

What disease did cured ham actually have?
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he
just buy dinner?
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

[uufta]

>They're back! Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with
>typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
>were announced at church services.
>
>
>The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
>"Searching for Jesus."
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
>recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
>things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
>conflict.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
>someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
>about you.
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
>pleasure to the congregation.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
>downstairs.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
>help they can get.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
>sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
>So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
>will follow
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
>Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
>new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
>Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
>you want remembered.
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
>gracious hostility.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
>be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
>the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
>invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
>lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
>back door.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
>basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
>tragedy.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
>Please use large double door at the side entrance.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
>last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
>----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Kabuchan]

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Just thought you'd want to know that they do, along with Baa Baa Black Sheep. The melody was written by Mozart.

[Aegmorgil]

>> A woman went to the doctor's office where she was
>> seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in
>> the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the
>> hall.
>> An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she
>> told him her story.
>>
>> After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
>> The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where
>> the young doctor was writing on his clipboard." What's the matter with
>> you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.. Reid is 62 years old, has four
>> grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was
>> pregnant?"
>>
>> The younger doctor continued writing and without
>> looking up said,
>>
>> "Does she still have the hiccups?"
>>
>>

[uufta]

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the
other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters
who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them
with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom
for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather
deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on
her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm
so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today,
and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

[lfcrule1972]

Great jokes all

[uufta]

Wisc. man gets probation for having sex with deer
SUPERIOR, Wis. (AP) - A Superior, Wisconsin, man has been sentenced to probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer.

The sentence also requires 20-year-old Bryan Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at a mental health institute in Duluth, Minnesota.

Hathaway pleaded no contest earlier this month to misdemeanor mistreatment of an animal.

His probation will be served at the same time as a nine-month jail sentence he received in February for violating his probation in a separate case.

He was found guilty in 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it.

---

Information from: The Daily Telegram, http://www.superiorwi.com


(Copyright 2007 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

[uufta]

We're really living in an animated society. It seems that whenever a

traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the

car behind you.

[drfsupercenter]

Yeah I got honked at twice the other day. Don't people realize I just learned to drive!?

[soup]

Anybody does that to me, I wait until the lights are about to change & then take off meanwhile they get stuck on red.

[ratboy]

Soup,

Do you think it is a good idea to incourage him?

New Driver and All

Watch Out, here he comes. RUN

[drfsupercenter]

Heh, don't worry, unless you live in Michigan I won't run you over! And LOL, with the people here, they'd just pass you anyway.

[soup]

Maybe we can do an Off-Topic driving tips thread, & to make it fit in with the Forum, it could be driving tips while watching a dvd or authoring & editing a dvd on your laptop etc.