JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[PurpleDemon]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
> > congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
> passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
> > paycheck.
> >
> > After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
> > congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
> preacher's expanding salary.
> >
> > A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as
> > to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the
> church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
> >
> > After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
> 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives
> > us. Silence fell on the congregation.
> >
> > In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
> 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
> > rubbers.' The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

[PurpleDemon]

There was a blonde that was looking for a job. She knocked on a man's door, and asked him: "Do you have anything I could do for money?" He replied: "Yeah, could you paint my porch?" and he gave her a bucket of white paint and a fat brush.

When the came in, his wife asked: "Did you tell her it was a wrap around porch?" "No, but she WAS standing on it."

About 50 minutes or an hour later, she knocks on the door and says:" I'm done." The man says: "Already?!" "Yes. And by the way, that's not a Porch, that's a Ferrari."

[PurpleDemon]

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[dr_ml422]

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Lol... I didn't see this coming at all! This is good. You have a large arsenal at your finger tips huh. I used to know many myself, just forgot most.

[PurpleDemon]

Ponder These

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right .

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

[PurpleDemon]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence lawyer during a theft trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, .... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

[PurpleDemon]

Little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while
a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh really?... Shoot!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to the football stadium parking lot . On game days , a lot of fans come
and pee through the fence into my flower garden . So, I stand behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing
through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the
way, what's in the other bag?"

[PurpleDemon]

Why Alcohol Should Be Served at Work

It's an incentive to show up. It reduces stress. It leads to more honest communications. It reduces complaints about low pay. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. It encourages carpooling. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. It makes fellow employees look better. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union. The janitor's closet will finally have a use. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross." Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

[Kabuchan]

Actual trial transcrits

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"



Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."



Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

[PurpleDemon]

Magic of the Internet

My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access Google, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.

"Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

[PurpleDemon]

Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[PurpleDemon]

Computa-holic 12-Step Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

[dr_ml422]

Hope this gets some laughs in these crazy times!

THE CAMEL A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". "That's why we have Molly The Camel." The Captain says, I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay. About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the sergeant, "is that how the men do it?", No not really, sir... They usually just ride the into town where the girls are.

[PurpleDemon]

@ dr_ml422

[PurpleDemon]

A young man meets an attractive girl in a bar. They have a few drinks and become very comfortable. He asks her if she would like to go for a drive in the country. She agrees. After a long, star filled drive he pulls off the road. They both are feeling romantic. When things start to get a little heavy she interrupts and says, " Before we go any farther I must tell you I am a lady of the evening, by profession. If this is going where I think it is going it will cost you $25". The young man thinks about it and takes out his wallet and hands her the money. After they are finished he turns to the lady and says, "By the way, I am taxi driver by profession. If you want a ride home it will cost you $30".