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  • Kabuchan
    Digital Video Enthusiast
    Digital Video Enthusiast
    • Apr 2006
    • 399

    #31
    A highway patrolman pulles alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behinde the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window,turned on his megaphone and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" The blone yelled back, "ITS A SCARF!!"
    That was Zen, this is Tao

    My Gallery

    Comment

    • Experi-Mentor
      Digital Video Master
      Digital Video Master
      • Nov 2004
      • 1456

      #32
      The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
      She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
      She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
      "Yes?" asked the teacher.
      "I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

      Comment

      • blutach
        Not a god of digital video
        • Oct 2004
        • 24627

        #33
        Les

        Essential progs - [PgcEdit] [VobBlanker] [MenuShrink] [IfoEdit] [Muxman] [DVD Remake Pro] [DVD Rebuilder] [BeSweet] [Media Player Classic] [DVDSubEdit] [ImgBurn]

        Media and Burning - [Golden Rules of Burning] [Media quality] [Fix your DMA] [Update your Firmware] [What's my Media ID Code?] [How to test your disc]
        [What's bitsetting?] [Burn dual layer disks safely] [Why not to burn with Ner0] [Interpret Ner0's burn errors] [Got bad playback?] [Burner/Media compatibility]

        Cool Techniques - [2COOL's guides] [Clean your DVD] [Join a flipper] [Split into 2 DVDs] [Save heaps of Mb] [How to mock strip] [Cool Insert Clips]

        Real useful info - [FAQ INDEX] [Compression explained] [Logical Remapping of Enabled Streams] [DVD-Replica] [Fantastic info on DVDs]


        You should only use genuine Verbatim or Taiyo Yuden media. Many thanks to www.pcx.com.au for their supply and great service.

        Explore the sites and the programs - there's a gold mine of information in them

        Don't forget to play the Digital Digest Quiz!!! (Click here)

        Comment

        • Experi-Mentor
          Digital Video Master
          Digital Video Master
          • Nov 2004
          • 1456

          #34
          The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

          Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

          God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

          Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

          God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

          Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

          God said, "Yes."

          "Well," said Arthur ... "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

          1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

          2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

          3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

          4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

          5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

          "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

          God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

          "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

          Comment

          • drfsupercenter
            NOT an online superstore
            • Oct 2005
            • 4424

            #35
            CYA Later:

            d̃ŗf̉śŭp̣ễr̀çëǹt̉ếř
            Visit my website!!

            Cool Characters Make your text cool
            My DVD Collection

            Comment

            • alamo55
              Junior Member
              Junior Member
              • Aug 2006
              • 26

              #36
              A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
              back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help
              you sir?"

              "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," the man replies.

              The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

              "It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.

              About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out
              of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you
              aware that you are exposing yourself?"

              Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
              missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned ----- My
              girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
              "To The World You Are But One Person, But To One Person You Are The World"

              Comment

              • Aegmorgil
                Super Member
                Super Member
                • Nov 2005
                • 232

                #37
                A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load

                of seniors down a highway
                when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
                She offers him a handful of peanuts,

                which he gratefully munches up.

                After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder

                again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

                She repeats this gesture about five more times.


                When she is about to hand him another batch again

                he asks the little old lady,

                " why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

                "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.


                The puzzled driver asks,

                "Why do you buy them then?"
                The old lady replied,

                "We just love the chocolate around them."


                It pays to be careful around old people.

                Comment

                • alamo55
                  Junior Member
                  Junior Member
                  • Aug 2006
                  • 26

                  #38
                  Vanilla Pudding Robbery :

                  This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from
                  an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about
                  a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank
                  shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
                  the security system got underway immediately. The
                  robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes
                  filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see
                  hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The
                  robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and
                  inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla
                  pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape
                  system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit
                  to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it
                  also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The
                  process continued until all safes were opened. ! They
                  did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an
                  ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained
                  covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers
                  made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more
                  than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The
                  newspaper headline read:

                  IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
                  "To The World You Are But One Person, But To One Person You Are The World"

                  Comment

                  • blutach
                    Not a god of digital video
                    • Oct 2004
                    • 24627

                    #39
                    BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA



                    Regards
                    Les

                    Essential progs - [PgcEdit] [VobBlanker] [MenuShrink] [IfoEdit] [Muxman] [DVD Remake Pro] [DVD Rebuilder] [BeSweet] [Media Player Classic] [DVDSubEdit] [ImgBurn]

                    Media and Burning - [Golden Rules of Burning] [Media quality] [Fix your DMA] [Update your Firmware] [What's my Media ID Code?] [How to test your disc]
                    [What's bitsetting?] [Burn dual layer disks safely] [Why not to burn with Ner0] [Interpret Ner0's burn errors] [Got bad playback?] [Burner/Media compatibility]

                    Cool Techniques - [2COOL's guides] [Clean your DVD] [Join a flipper] [Split into 2 DVDs] [Save heaps of Mb] [How to mock strip] [Cool Insert Clips]

                    Real useful info - [FAQ INDEX] [Compression explained] [Logical Remapping of Enabled Streams] [DVD-Replica] [Fantastic info on DVDs]


                    You should only use genuine Verbatim or Taiyo Yuden media. Many thanks to www.pcx.com.au for their supply and great service.

                    Explore the sites and the programs - there's a gold mine of information in them

                    Don't forget to play the Digital Digest Quiz!!! (Click here)

                    Comment

                    • alamo55
                      Junior Member
                      Junior Member
                      • Aug 2006
                      • 26

                      #40
                      @blutach
                      Glad u liked that one!
                      "To The World You Are But One Person, But To One Person You Are The World"

                      Comment

                      • alamo55
                        Junior Member
                        Junior Member
                        • Aug 2006
                        • 26

                        #41
                        Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
                        A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.
                        She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
                        With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
                        As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
                        She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
                        The dealers starred at each other dumbfounded.
                        Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

                        THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
                        "To The World You Are But One Person, But To One Person You Are The World"

                        Comment

                        • alamo55
                          Junior Member
                          Junior Member
                          • Aug 2006
                          • 26

                          #42
                          A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
                          The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
                          you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
                          "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
                          "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
                          "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can
                          get just to stay alive."
                          "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
                          "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
                          "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
                          "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
                          "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
                          Instead,
                          I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
                          The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
                          The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
                          "To The World You Are But One Person, But To One Person You Are The World"

                          Comment

                          • uufta
                            Digital Video Expert
                            Digital Video Expert
                            • Dec 2005
                            • 635

                            #43
                            i Love Dogs

                            Dog Philosophy
                            >
                            >
                            >The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
                            >his tongue.
                            >-Anonymous
                            >
                            >Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
                            >wonderful.
                            >-Ann Landers
                            >
                            >If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
                            >went.
                            >-Will Rogers
                            >
                            >There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
                            >-Ben Williams
                            >
                            >A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
                            >himself.
                            >-Josh Billings
                            >
                            >
                            >
                            >The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
                            >-Andy Rooney
                            >
                            >We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can
                            >spare.
                            >And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever
                            >made.
                            >-M. Acklam
                            >
                            >Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
                            >who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
                            >-Sigmund Freud
                            >
                            >I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
                            >cult.
                            >-Rita Rudner
                            >
                            >A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
                            >and to turn around three times before lying down.
                            >-Robert Benchley
                            >
                            >
                            >
                            >Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
                            >-Franklin P. Jones
                            >
                            >If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
                            >known
                            >will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
                            >-James Thurber
                            >
                            >If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
                            >-Unknown
                            >
                            >My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
                            >That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
                            >-Joe Weinstein
                            >
                            >Ever consider what our dogs must think of us?
                            >I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
                            >haul,
                            >chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on
                            >earth!
                            >-Anne Tyler
                            >
                            >Women and cats will do as they please,
                            >and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
                            >-Robert A. Heinlein
                            >
                            >
                            >
                            >
                            >If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
                            >you;
                            >that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
                            >-Mark Twain
                            >
                            >You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
                            >that says,
                            >'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
                            >- Dave Barry
                            >
                            >Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
                            >-Roger Caras
                            >
                            >If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
                            >pocket
                            >and then give him only two of them.
                            >-Phil Pastoret
                            >
                            >My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.


                            >
                            Last edited by uufta; 1 Oct 2006, 02:53 AM.

                            Comment

                            • uufta
                              Digital Video Expert
                              Digital Video Expert
                              • Dec 2005
                              • 635

                              #44
                              A NASA rocket scientist executive decided to take a vacation. He booked
                              >himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life
                              >until
                              >the boat sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no
                              >supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
                              >gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
                              >asks her,
                              >"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
                              >when
                              >my cruise ship sank."
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
                              >you."
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I
                              >found
                              >on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the
                              >bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
                              >tree."
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >"But, where did you get the tools?"
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
                              >island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed I found if I
                              >fired it
                              >to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile
                              >iron.
                              >I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >The guy is stunned.
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she
                              >docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly
                              >falls out
                              >off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
                              >painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
                              >expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As
                              >they walk
                              >into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.
                              >Sit
                              >down, please. Would you like a drink?"
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >"No. No thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut
                              >juice."
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >"It's not coconut juice ," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a
                              >Pina Colada?"
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
                              >on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
                              >announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
                              >like
                              >to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
                              >cabinet."
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
                              >the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
                              >hollow
                              >ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
                              >positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
                              >down
                              >next to her.
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been
                              >out here for a really long time. You must have been lonely. There's
                              >something
                              >I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
                              >longing
                              >for all these months?" She stares into his eyes.
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean......" he swallows excitedly
                              >and tears start to form in his eyes ...."I can check my e-mail from
                              >here"?
                              >

                              Comment

                              • blutach
                                Not a god of digital video
                                • Oct 2004
                                • 24627

                                #45
                                BWAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA

                                Good ones uufta. And so true about the dogs!

                                Regards
                                Les

                                Essential progs - [PgcEdit] [VobBlanker] [MenuShrink] [IfoEdit] [Muxman] [DVD Remake Pro] [DVD Rebuilder] [BeSweet] [Media Player Classic] [DVDSubEdit] [ImgBurn]

                                Media and Burning - [Golden Rules of Burning] [Media quality] [Fix your DMA] [Update your Firmware] [What's my Media ID Code?] [How to test your disc]
                                [What's bitsetting?] [Burn dual layer disks safely] [Why not to burn with Ner0] [Interpret Ner0's burn errors] [Got bad playback?] [Burner/Media compatibility]

                                Cool Techniques - [2COOL's guides] [Clean your DVD] [Join a flipper] [Split into 2 DVDs] [Save heaps of Mb] [How to mock strip] [Cool Insert Clips]

                                Real useful info - [FAQ INDEX] [Compression explained] [Logical Remapping of Enabled Streams] [DVD-Replica] [Fantastic info on DVDs]


                                You should only use genuine Verbatim or Taiyo Yuden media. Many thanks to www.pcx.com.au for their supply and great service.

                                Explore the sites and the programs - there's a gold mine of information in them

                                Don't forget to play the Digital Digest Quiz!!! (Click here)

                                Comment

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